02/09/2022

What a painful and beautifully transformational month August has been.

So many insights, releasing confusion and doubt about what once was and what is now, feeling solid on my path.

It’s so true that we must breakdown to breakthrough – sometimes over and over.

As the brilliant book says - The Body Keep’s Score - as soon as we were out of July and into August, I could feel it coming.

Your birthday hit me hard this year Mum, as my grief started to rise so did my anger, I allowed it to come screaming into the sea losing my voice.

Feelings of unbelievable loss and sadness of what was, what never was and what will never be.

Almost 8 years since you left this realm, it feels like 8 minutes and 8 lifetimes all rolled into one.

The drastic change in life as I knew it wasn’t something I could have ever imagined.

When you say goodbye to your parent you are suddenly living in a whole new world.

It felt like everything was still going on around me and I was an outsider looking in, lost, numb, I had no place anywhere I went, my grief felt like I was searching for home, a home that no longer existed, that never really did.

As a lifetime of supressed emotion and memories started to rise to the surface, my nervous system went into overwhelm, I was fatigued for years.

The mask well and truly fell off, I had no energy for pretence.

The trauma’s that followed so soon after losing you came one after the other, huge loss after huge loss cemented the change in me.

A massive shift.

Dark night of the soul.

When our world feels so fragile, we must protect our energy, we must nurture ourselves like we would a small child.

When we change our relationships do too, but the people who are truly meant for us will always gravitate back towards us when the time is right.

By stepping into our authenticity, we attract who is meant to be on our journey in these pivotal moments.

As the world went mental - synchronicities played out for new soul tribes to come together.

I’m so grateful to those who have gravitated towards me, as I gravitated towards them.

Genuine connections are everything especially when overcoming life’s biggest obstacles, we don’t need anyone to fix us, they can’t, but to feel seen and herd is everything.

I spent time learning to heal my nervous system through Somatics and rest, becoming aware of the power of breathwork, cold water therapy, and being in solitude and nature with my animals helped me look at life through a different lens.

This experience has taught me that we must not fear the darkness, it leads us to the light.

Like a seed growing through the soil, we rise - time and time again as the layers come off.

Our darkness can teach us so much, our grief can crack us open and humble us in new ways if we allow it, healing is about getting in touch with the softness and subtilties of ourselves, of life, and learning to feel our emotions in a world that wants us desensitized and numbed out through distraction and lies.

We shouldn’t fear our emotions as that is what they are … in-motion … we must let them flow.

Learning if a gift, even when pain is our teacher.

Happy Belated Heavenly Birthday Mum.

You used to talk to me about this stuff when I was a little girl, you were ahead of your time, it took me years to realise everything you said was true.

I wish you had of been here to turn 68, everything would be different now, but that wasn’t meant to be, and it wasn’t mine to fix.

Thank you for encouraging me question everything and teaching me that I never had to follow society’s blueprint of who or what I should be as a woman.

I’m no longer fighting for who I once was because she passed over when you did.

In your honour, I’ll keep speaking my truth.

I know your all around me, I’m sometimes circled by butterflies, and I know that you’re proud.

Here’s to September and all that this month brings.